Pairing: Nakjoon, slight Gohnjoon
Summary: I wish that I held your words more dearly like they were the last words that I would ever hear. I wish to be lost in your arms.
Hojoon feels bad when he breaks Yoonchul's heart.
He feels bad when he kisses Yoonchul on the forehead instead of pressing soft lips against Yoonchul’s own. He feels bad when he shrugs Yoonchul’s hand off of his shoulder and laces his small fingers with Dongsung’s own. Hojoon pretends he doesn’t see the sparkle in Yoonchul’s eyes dim, pretends he doesn’t feel Kyungsoo glaring at him from across the room.
But he tries not to.
He tries not to feel bad when he wants to run his fingers through Yoonchul’s hair but doesn’t because he shouldn’t. He isn’t allowed to. He tries not to feel bad when he watches Yoonchul stare at him pitifully from across the common room instead of completing his class work like Taeyang had told him to, his brows perpetually furrowed and small lips settled into a constant frown, because he shouldn’t feel bad.
Not when this is his choice.
He tries not to feel bad when he teases Yoonchul over and over again. Tries not to feel bad when he leans his head on Yoonchul's broad shoulders, listens to his heartbeat increase tenfold, and ignores the pretty blush settling on high cheekbones and large ears.
Hojoon tries not to feel bad as he starts falling for Yoonchul, for Yoonchul's soft hands, muscular legs, small smile. Hojoon tries not to feel bad when he falls for the way yoonchul holds him close to his chest when they traverse the battlefield, when they successfully regain lost land. Hojoon tries not to feel bad, terribly guilty, when Hansol leaves and Yoonchul is sobbing and grieving and broken because everything he had is gone. All Yoonchul has left is Hojoon, and he tries not to feel bad when he locks himself in his chambers for months at a time, when he locks Yoonchul out of his life for months at a time.
Hojoon tries not to feel bad because he's not allowed to, isn't supposed to feel bad. Not when Yoonchul's body wracks with sobs and he is relieved, he is so relieved